18 june 2006 - my world collapsed when u told me all those things
and i still cannot comprehend - i've given u my all -
you remain my pillar of strength.
22 june 2006 - that pillar gave way when you told me you chose him. that look on your face haunts me to sleep everynight so much so i cant sleep without getting drunk.
when my pillar disintegrated - my world evaporated - i've nothing left -
really nothing left... ... ... and so i begin my nightmare... ... only having the courage after 5 days to put these nightmares in words.
...
...
...
i haven been eating for a week. take today - i only had one OCK curry puff the whole day and survive on water, wine, ciggies. i lost so much weight i cant believe my tummy is gone. results are much faster than going to the gym 3 times a week for one month i swear. i have no appetite. everyone ask me what i want to eat but i say nothing. when i see food when i eat a little - i feel like throwing up. maybe its because i think of you and how u could do all those things to hurt me without me ever being in your thoughts i feel so sick and disgusted i feel like throwing up every now and then. now i understand why pple can throw up when they witness something disgusting horrible and sick. i feel exactly the same way - witnessing torture - refer to the movies 'hostel' and 'Saw' and u will knw what i mean. sick. sick. sick. sick to the core. I have never gone about one week in my life eating so little. if u would like to knw e amount i have eaten all week - lets just say its gonna equate to one meal i will eat for dinner and i am not e least bit kiddin. sounds hard to believe but tts how much u have affected my life. i dunnoe when i can recover my appetite i really dunnoe.
2ndly, i have been smoking one pack a day. I have nvr smoke one pack a day in my entire 23 over years. but somehow, smoking and drinking seems to take e pain away for a brief moment. i chain smoke at my favourite place - parkway mac cafe. doing 10 sticks continuously until my fav drink ( passion tea ) runs out. its crazy man. nuts. insanity. i plead. i ask jm if he thinks i was mad. i think i need psychiatric help. went pass IMH today, and i so wish to check myself in.
i haven been able to slp. take for example last night. went drinking. had quite alot. went to jm's hse. KOed within 5 mins of reaching his hse - and tt was ard 1200MN. woke up at 245 and couldnt slp till morning. watch the sunrise and the room was so bright b4 i managed to drift off. my thoughts are so filled with you it haunts me. so scared. so hurt. i think i am mad. i am mad. another night i slpt at 3am after another bout of drinking - but i fuckin woke up at 524. (saw the time on jm's nite clock) coz i had the most wonderful dream of u. and u knw i dun remember my dreams. but this dream is different and special. coz i have never felt this good. when i woke up at 524am. i typed every single detail of the dream on my hp and sms to myself. its nuts. its crazy. i am insane. u want i can show it to u.
help me.
today i went over to ur hse. talk to ur brother. i feel so sad. everyone is sad. when i left i ask bebe to study hard and be a good boy and he broke down. arrgghhh. i feel so lousy. i broke down when the door closed.
tonight i haven drank much so i cant slp. so many ask me to give u up. let u go but i cant. pls dun let my imagination run or i might just break down anytime. i need u back. i feel lousy begging.
the only thing that made my day was ur msg that you were "really very happy to see" the hair brush. and that u were sick. i am not giving u up. so if u want me to pls dun give me false hopes.
meantime i cant eat and slp without u in my life. i only drink and smoke. so pls dun ruin my life and come back to me.
and i still cannot comprehend - i've given u my all -
you remain my pillar of strength.
22 june 2006 - that pillar gave way when you told me you chose him. that look on your face haunts me to sleep everynight so much so i cant sleep without getting drunk.
when my pillar disintegrated - my world evaporated - i've nothing left -
really nothing left... ... ... and so i begin my nightmare... ... only having the courage after 5 days to put these nightmares in words.
...
...
...
i haven been eating for a week. take today - i only had one OCK curry puff the whole day and survive on water, wine, ciggies. i lost so much weight i cant believe my tummy is gone. results are much faster than going to the gym 3 times a week for one month i swear. i have no appetite. everyone ask me what i want to eat but i say nothing. when i see food when i eat a little - i feel like throwing up. maybe its because i think of you and how u could do all those things to hurt me without me ever being in your thoughts i feel so sick and disgusted i feel like throwing up every now and then. now i understand why pple can throw up when they witness something disgusting horrible and sick. i feel exactly the same way - witnessing torture - refer to the movies 'hostel' and 'Saw' and u will knw what i mean. sick. sick. sick. sick to the core. I have never gone about one week in my life eating so little. if u would like to knw e amount i have eaten all week - lets just say its gonna equate to one meal i will eat for dinner and i am not e least bit kiddin. sounds hard to believe but tts how much u have affected my life. i dunnoe when i can recover my appetite i really dunnoe.
2ndly, i have been smoking one pack a day. I have nvr smoke one pack a day in my entire 23 over years. but somehow, smoking and drinking seems to take e pain away for a brief moment. i chain smoke at my favourite place - parkway mac cafe. doing 10 sticks continuously until my fav drink ( passion tea ) runs out. its crazy man. nuts. insanity. i plead. i ask jm if he thinks i was mad. i think i need psychiatric help. went pass IMH today, and i so wish to check myself in.
i haven been able to slp. take for example last night. went drinking. had quite alot. went to jm's hse. KOed within 5 mins of reaching his hse - and tt was ard 1200MN. woke up at 245 and couldnt slp till morning. watch the sunrise and the room was so bright b4 i managed to drift off. my thoughts are so filled with you it haunts me. so scared. so hurt. i think i am mad. i am mad. another night i slpt at 3am after another bout of drinking - but i fuckin woke up at 524. (saw the time on jm's nite clock) coz i had the most wonderful dream of u. and u knw i dun remember my dreams. but this dream is different and special. coz i have never felt this good. when i woke up at 524am. i typed every single detail of the dream on my hp and sms to myself. its nuts. its crazy. i am insane. u want i can show it to u.
help me.
today i went over to ur hse. talk to ur brother. i feel so sad. everyone is sad. when i left i ask bebe to study hard and be a good boy and he broke down. arrgghhh. i feel so lousy. i broke down when the door closed.
tonight i haven drank much so i cant slp. so many ask me to give u up. let u go but i cant. pls dun let my imagination run or i might just break down anytime. i need u back. i feel lousy begging.
the only thing that made my day was ur msg that you were "really very happy to see" the hair brush. and that u were sick. i am not giving u up. so if u want me to pls dun give me false hopes.
meantime i cant eat and slp without u in my life. i only drink and smoke. so pls dun ruin my life and come back to me.
posted by kus @ 1:19 AM
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