have u forgotten how very much u once loved me?

ytd i found out smt that left me dizzy and utterly confused
i thought about things that i doubt
on how every thing was a ruse
it came as a blow..but whys
one year later
deceit and lies
yet disbelief runs deep
ensued from open wounds that bleed

Would YOU dedicate this song to me now?????
Would YOU say this is how you are feeling now????

2 things:
either u want me back....

or
you want me to move on...

or perhaps everything is too late now???

____________________________________

"Unfaithful"

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true


And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore
Uh
Anymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymoreI don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)
No no no no
Yeah yeah yeah

i still feel hopeless for u. Yesterday dream of u again. woke up twice.
but twice i didnt msg u. coz i couldnt do it.
though i am weak. and now i msg u.

the hp just rang. issit u?

u knw whatever u told me the other day i forget already. i dunnoe if u asked me to move on or not.

shits.

the score is 3 v 2. yet i dunnoe.

now i feel i am the fucker.

there are just so many songs i wanna sing to u.

it so happen the other nite u step into the ktv room and i was about to sing jie kou. no wonder i couldnt sing it properly.

sigh. and i was singing alright before that.

i got a playlist for u. would u want to hear it?

i wanna sing to u wld u wanna listen?

i didnt go last nite coz i felt it wasnt right. If i had to act as if u are my gf i would be no better than him.
Asked u to ask him or at least to let him knw but u didnt want.
Are u going becoz of grandpa or u went becoz of me? i really dunnoe...
Why did u meet up with jason without me knwing? why do i always not knw anyting? why am i the clown?
So i decided not to go. i cant be him. i am not him. i have more respect for you and him than him for us.
fuck.. why am i so kind...

anyway if u want me back just tell me... dun keep playing mind games with me.. dun play with me if u are not sure. if u are not sure u shld just be alone. how can u not make a decision. let me make it for u? u are hypocrite if u say u are not sure.

u told us in front of him that u are not sure becoz of dunnoe what.. i cant remember.. but its not becoz u are unsure bout ur decision to choose him.

stop messing my mind can?

its either u want me back or not.. but dun keep me in the leesh.. dun hold me back...

i dunnoe... just be clear...

so i can move on..

trust me.. if u want me back u got to be sure and clear.. hear that? sure and clear...
if not dun say u want time off and yet u keep messing my mind with ur antics...

dun be selfish pls...

Dun tell me u need some time off if u keep on msging me...

i knw u stil love me. yesh u still do.

but u are a coward. u are selfish.

and u expect me to understand?

feeling terrible now. just came back from meeting up with jh and jm. and i still not slpy. sigh.
i dunnoe why - but life is full of shit.
really having trouble coping with my mental and emotional baggage.
of all people u wld knw what i mean. i dunnoe how u can get on with ur life like this. really. i really dunnoe. coz i cant.
emotional baggage that i will lug for the rest of my life - its really hard.

smt jolt me - and i start to imagine - think - ponder
and then reality hit me - i realise its not so simple - obviously u haven tot of it.
but now i realise. i cant say move on then i move on - coz i carry an emotional baggage that no one can understand.
100percent physical and 100percent emotional.
and i realise i cant bring it over....

and then i realise i got to move - or so i decide to move on
i decide now tt i will move on. today i will - i dunnoe how if i can. what if one day i want u back.
what if one day u want me back?
can i take u back? i dunnoe... i say now i wun coz i cant. tt time i say i can but now i realise i wun.
i wun and cant.
but u will read this one day.. u will knw of this blog one day...
and tt day comes what if u want me back. can i?
do i have e courage to want u back?
wat if i moved on with another gal?
i knw and i am sure if i move on with another gal i wun want u back coz by then i wld have decided to spend the rest of my life with this gal.
but this emotional baggage i cannot just let it down. no one - perhaps only jm knws what this is. coz i told him. and i doubt he understands coz i knw he doesnt. no one will. coz no one is me. no one feels the way i do. simply put no one is me - and when it comes to me no one knws. u dunnoe me too.

i want to move on. i hope i can. i really hope i do move on with someone new. but this thought remains in me. can i let it go?
only time will tell me. by then wld i be with u? wld u have read this?
if u read this will u still want me back? if u knew and understand how i feel wld u still want me back.

i doubt so. i so doubt. i hope i dun doubt the doubts i have.
i love u but i at this pt of time i am moving on.

i cant go on with my life not eating. i cant go on with my life smoking a pack a day. i cant move on drinking everyday till i think my stomach is spoilt. i have to move on but can i?

i stil love u. but i dun think i can be with u. but if u read this and want me back wld i hesitate and take u back? i think i just might. but dun doubt me. if u want me back pls say so - dun hesitate to tell me. i want u to tell me u want me back. dun read this and then tell me u change ur mind already. just tell me u want me back. pls. pls. i beg u. just tell me so. i want u back. so do e same. just say. just say u want me back. dun read this and say u no u cant. coz i knw u do even with ur deepest doubts i knw u do. so tell me u want me back.

love

lying down in explor room. had a long and tiring day carrying out the facil workshop. my mind is a blank such that i think i debrief qt badly today. some more they look up to us. my fren liting was qt upset. she said it was a v bad debrief. but i dunnoe. haiz. i almost cried. well i broke down. too many emotions welled up inside already. i also dunnoe if u knw. where are u when i need comfort. only receive one msg asking if i saw ur thumbdrive. hey, i gave it to u. why wld u need it. was tt an excuse to msg me. i think i think too much.
i hate it. tt day i was drinking with hsu and jm i really wanted to msg u ask u how u are. they both said i was crazy and emo and shldnt. but i go against their advice only for me to be hurt. u dun seem to care do u - or do u not? i knw u still care - but why do this to me... well i knw e reason. coz i am not in ur life anymore. someone else is.
i am v upset. maybe e only way to move is with someone else. but i knw if i move on with someone else, and if u do decide to come back.. it wld be nearly impossible for me to be happy. well, hsu said tt prob 6 months down. we prob shld just be together.. as in me and her.. coz she aint v happy with her r/s too. so if we both are unhappy together at least thats fair. well she was kiddin lar. but she made a point. i knw if i get into another r/s or the next r/s i wun be as happy as i wil be with u.
then again... who can ever be happy.
hey.. yeah u.. come back to me.. coz if i do get into another r/s it would be practically impossible to come back to u.. even if i still love u.. i still will not.. coz it would be unfair to her.. and i would have attempted to move on with my life. i am not a LJL. so i beg of u to come back tom. dun make me wait and think and delay. by now i prob have met a few gals but they are not u.
ur birthday is coming too and i wanted to have a surprise for u. but my frens refused to allow me to do anything more than a card for u. selfish. they seem to have lost the respect they had for u. but come back and salvage any dignity left in u. they will understand and if u do come back they will more than support my decision i am sure - probably except ky.
life is still the same... smoking and drinking to keep alive. my stomach hurts - think my gastric has given up hope on me already. pls dun ruin my life. i am weak.
anyway, tom i will be going to watch superman - i hope u wld be watching with me. but i knw not. sigh. cries.
dearest i love u. and in my hp i still cannot bear to change ur name to hong xiaohui. it remains dearest.
hsu and i make several commitments the other nite. and one of which is everything shall remain a good memory. everything shall remain a good memory. i am listening to a list of songs i complied especially for u - hsu said its an emo test and i agree. if it is i think my feelings for u remain as strong as ever.
ok ok.. i shall end here.
another day i shall blog the poem i have for u. u knw e one i wrote in our book? e one i wrote last last sunday. "Baren"
and another day i shall type out my dream for u..
meantime i love u.. always..