lying down in explor room. had a long and tiring day carrying out the facil workshop. my mind is a blank such that i think i debrief qt badly today. some more they look up to us. my fren liting was qt upset. she said it was a v bad debrief. but i dunnoe. haiz. i almost cried. well i broke down. too many emotions welled up inside already. i also dunnoe if u knw. where are u when i need comfort. only receive one msg asking if i saw ur thumbdrive. hey, i gave it to u. why wld u need it. was tt an excuse to msg me. i think i think too much.
i hate it. tt day i was drinking with hsu and jm i really wanted to msg u ask u how u are. they both said i was crazy and emo and shldnt. but i go against their advice only for me to be hurt. u dun seem to care do u - or do u not? i knw u still care - but why do this to me... well i knw e reason. coz i am not in ur life anymore. someone else is.
i am v upset. maybe e only way to move is with someone else. but i knw if i move on with someone else, and if u do decide to come back.. it wld be nearly impossible for me to be happy. well, hsu said tt prob 6 months down. we prob shld just be together.. as in me and her.. coz she aint v happy with her r/s too. so if we both are unhappy together at least thats fair. well she was kiddin lar. but she made a point. i knw if i get into another r/s or the next r/s i wun be as happy as i wil be with u.
then again... who can ever be happy.
hey.. yeah u.. come back to me.. coz if i do get into another r/s it would be practically impossible to come back to u.. even if i still love u.. i still will not.. coz it would be unfair to her.. and i would have attempted to move on with my life. i am not a LJL. so i beg of u to come back tom. dun make me wait and think and delay. by now i prob have met a few gals but they are not u.
ur birthday is coming too and i wanted to have a surprise for u. but my frens refused to allow me to do anything more than a card for u. selfish. they seem to have lost the respect they had for u. but come back and salvage any dignity left in u. they will understand and if u do come back they will more than support my decision i am sure - probably except ky.
life is still the same... smoking and drinking to keep alive. my stomach hurts - think my gastric has given up hope on me already. pls dun ruin my life. i am weak.
anyway, tom i will be going to watch superman - i hope u wld be watching with me. but i knw not. sigh. cries.
dearest i love u. and in my hp i still cannot bear to change ur name to hong xiaohui. it remains dearest.
hsu and i make several commitments the other nite. and one of which is everything shall remain a good memory. everything shall remain a good memory. i am listening to a list of songs i complied especially for u - hsu said its an emo test and i agree. if it is i think my feelings for u remain as strong as ever.
ok ok.. i shall end here.
another day i shall blog the poem i have for u. u knw e one i wrote in our book? e one i wrote last last sunday. "Baren"
and another day i shall type out my dream for u..
meantime i love u.. always..

Blind - Lifehouse

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as she turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this while
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

i finally understand the pain and feelings behind these words - do you? would you?

借口
词 曲 编:周杰伦

翻着我们的照片想念若隐若现
去年的冬天我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由说你不爱我

就算是我不懂能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果我也能够承受
我知道你的痛是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容沉默是因为包容

如果要走请你记得我
如果难过请你忘了我... ... ... ...

18 june 2006 - my world collapsed when u told me all those things
and i still cannot comprehend - i've given u my all -
you remain my pillar of strength.

22 june 2006 - that pillar gave way when you told me you chose him. that look on your face haunts me to sleep everynight so much so i cant sleep without getting drunk.
when my pillar disintegrated - my world evaporated - i've nothing left -
really nothing left... ... ... and so i begin my nightmare... ... only having the courage after 5 days to put these nightmares in words.

...
...
...

i haven been eating for a week. take today - i only had one OCK curry puff the whole day and survive on water, wine, ciggies. i lost so much weight i cant believe my tummy is gone. results are much faster than going to the gym 3 times a week for one month i swear. i have no appetite. everyone ask me what i want to eat but i say nothing. when i see food when i eat a little - i feel like throwing up. maybe its because i think of you and how u could do all those things to hurt me without me ever being in your thoughts i feel so sick and disgusted i feel like throwing up every now and then. now i understand why pple can throw up when they witness something disgusting horrible and sick. i feel exactly the same way - witnessing torture - refer to the movies 'hostel' and 'Saw' and u will knw what i mean. sick. sick. sick. sick to the core. I have never gone about one week in my life eating so little. if u would like to knw e amount i have eaten all week - lets just say its gonna equate to one meal i will eat for dinner and i am not e least bit kiddin. sounds hard to believe but tts how much u have affected my life. i dunnoe when i can recover my appetite i really dunnoe.

2ndly, i have been smoking one pack a day. I have nvr smoke one pack a day in my entire 23 over years. but somehow, smoking and drinking seems to take e pain away for a brief moment. i chain smoke at my favourite place - parkway mac cafe. doing 10 sticks continuously until my fav drink ( passion tea ) runs out. its crazy man. nuts. insanity. i plead. i ask jm if he thinks i was mad. i think i need psychiatric help. went pass IMH today, and i so wish to check myself in.

i haven been able to slp. take for example last night. went drinking. had quite alot. went to jm's hse. KOed within 5 mins of reaching his hse - and tt was ard 1200MN. woke up at 245 and couldnt slp till morning. watch the sunrise and the room was so bright b4 i managed to drift off. my thoughts are so filled with you it haunts me. so scared. so hurt. i think i am mad. i am mad. another night i slpt at 3am after another bout of drinking - but i fuckin woke up at 524. (saw the time on jm's nite clock) coz i had the most wonderful dream of u. and u knw i dun remember my dreams. but this dream is different and special. coz i have never felt this good. when i woke up at 524am. i typed every single detail of the dream on my hp and sms to myself. its nuts. its crazy. i am insane. u want i can show it to u.

help me.

today i went over to ur hse. talk to ur brother. i feel so sad. everyone is sad. when i left i ask bebe to study hard and be a good boy and he broke down. arrgghhh. i feel so lousy. i broke down when the door closed.

tonight i haven drank much so i cant slp. so many ask me to give u up. let u go but i cant. pls dun let my imagination run or i might just break down anytime. i need u back. i feel lousy begging.

the only thing that made my day was ur msg that you were "really very happy to see" the hair brush. and that u were sick. i am not giving u up. so if u want me to pls dun give me false hopes.

meantime i cant eat and slp without u in my life. i only drink and smoke. so pls dun ruin my life and come back to me.